(Roald Dahl wrote this song about TV for the Oompa-Loompas to sing. I can’t help but wonder what he’d write about cell phones and social media. In this alternate universe, Mike Teavee might be Sally Fone, and she’s constantly checking her smart phone any time she’s anxious or bored.)
The most important thing we’ve learned,
So far as children are concerned,
Is never, NEVER, let your tyke
Use Facebook, Twitter, and the like.
Or better still, let them be, alone,
The one poor child with no iPhone.
In almost every place we’ve seen,
We’ve watched them swiping at their screens.
They poke and swipe and lounge about,
At dinnertime, the phones come out.
(Last month we met two surly teens
Who ate fried liver served with greens
While staring at their glowing screens.
This should give you some idea
The strength of social media.)
They have their phones – every kid we’ve seen
Gazing mutely at their screen.
(And – of course – ESPECIALLY
If they’re facing their ANXIETY)
Oh yes, we know, it numbs the pain,
It quiets busy, noisy brain,
It stops them telling you ‘bout how
EVERYONE has iPhones now.
(Plus, it gives you time to look
At what’s happening on YOUR Facebook.)
All this peaceful time we’ve seen
Is caused by easy DOPAMINE,*
Which makes it easy on a teen
Like alcohol or nicotine
And produces addicts who need a screen
To deal with any social scene.
It makes them quiet, peaceful, meek—
But did you ever stop to think,
To wonder just what price THEY pay
For your lovely, nice, relaxing day?
IT MAKES THEM FEEL A LOT OF SHAME*
IT MAKES THEM WANT TO CHANGE THEIR NAME
BULLYING USED TO STAY AT SCHOOL
BUT NOW THE MEAN GIRLS USE THIS TOOL*
TO ENSURE THEY NEVER TAKE A BREAK
FROM BEING, AWFUL, HURTFUL, CRUEL!
ONLINE THEY NEVER SEE THE TEARS
THE HURT, THE SHAME, THE DOUBTS, THE FEARS,
THEY NEVER, EVER GET TO SEE.
AND NEVER LEARN TRUE EMPATHY!*
YOUR GIRLS ESPECIALLY ARE PRONE
TO DAMAGE BY THEIR NASTY PHONE*
COMPARISON , ESPECIALLY ROUGH
WHEN LOOKING AT THE PERFECT STUFF
THE AIRBRUSHED FACES, AWESOME LIVES
IT MAKES KIDS CUT THEMSELVES WITH KNIVES*
IT BREEDS SAD THOUGHTS, ANXIETY*
AND WHAT’S EVEN WORSE? AS WE CAN SEE
THAT THE SMARTEST, BEST HUMANITY
ARE DESIGNING ALL THIS CRAP TO BE
AS ADDICTING AS ADDICTING CAN BE.
(Because these zealous, driven lads
Need more views, to sell more ads)
THIS IS SO BAD FOR MENTAL HEALTH
IT MIGHT MAKE DAUGHTER KILL HERSELF*
Soaring rates of child suicide
Have been seen to coincide
With Facebook letting kids inside.
The data’s in, that’s why we sing
And why we’re not fear mongering
Check our sources if you like,
IT’S CLEARLY AWFUL FOR YOUR TYKE.*
(But wait, not ALL the data’s in! * Let’s wait until we have the rest!
We’re not SURE what’s causing pain – Do you want YOUR child to be the test?)
‘All right’ you’ll cry. ‘enough’ You’ll say
‘But I can’t take their iPhones away.’
‘What will our tiny little waif
Use to let us know that they’re safe?’
They’ll use a PHONE.
A PHONE THAT’S DUMB.
No internet to make them numb,
No apps, snapchat, or Candy Crush,
No distractions to become a crutch.
They’ll learn to BE. Learn to EXIST.
They won’t feel the need to cut their wrist.
They’ll learn to TALK. How to CONVERSE.
We’ll stop the ever growing curse
Of always checking anxiously
When sitting with a friend for tea.
They’ll get so bored. They’ll look around
And see what enjoyment can be found.
They’ll read a book. They’ll draw a beast.
They’ll make a painted masterpiece.
Oh, boredom! In the ages hence
The boredom they’ll experience!
They’ll get creative, they’ll learn to write,
They’ll read books under sheets at night!
They’ll get a brain like a steel trap,
Not stuffed with useless, scary crap.
Their feelings when they become a teen
Won’t be twisted, warped, obscene
Products of the tyrant screen!
(Besides this they’ll straighten out the crick
In their overburdened neck.)
They’ll see their peers, in time, you’ll see-
As strange as anyone can be.
Hopelessly addicted to
This tiny, strange catastrophe!
Your children will grow up to find
That they have what is called a ‘mind’;
That they can THINK, they’ll have a BRAIN
They’ll better cope with stress and pain,
And they’ll have a much, much smaller list
Of things to tell their therapist!
So sell the smart phones, right away!
Give your kids the space to play.
And if your child is in high school
Limit time with the dreadful tool!*
No phones at meals! No phones in bed!
Open up space in their head!
(And while you’re at it, bring to mind
How much time YOU spend online.)*
And your kids, at the very least
Won’t be devoured by the beast.
They’ll wonder what they’d ever seen
In that ugly, angry, mean machine
That’s very good at selling ads
Not caring if they make you sad *
Or suicidal, or depressed.
But it’s not their fault that there’s no rest
From bullying and social shame.
Because while they built it, it’s YOU who came.
We gave kids phones, and then we set
Them in a big experiment.
They got liquor from their dad
Who bade them drink when when they got sad
But it made them sadder still. And so
It’s time to stop, and ‘just say no’!
To the sickly, gross, engrossing glow.
Our kids will live. And be. And grow.